Spotting The Ass On A Hot Day

Lisa’s return to Casa Claire on Wednesday was perfectly timed to take advantage of a peak in the recent heat wave for maximum effect.

Yesterday got hot.

100 degrees outside

and almost that inside the usually much cooler barn.

Claire and Honey stayed under the shade of the ladies.

Bandit and Smokey took full advantage of the Dog Days of Summer inside in the AC.

Even Smokey the feral cat took advantage of the shade in the Jack The Spruce Grotto.

It was the kind of day that a wise man should find a shady spot and stay there.

I thought for a brief moment I was a wise man.

But no. There’s a grans birthday party coming and Lisa was in whirling dervish mode.

Suddenly, heavy benches – including one from a church – had to be dragged out into the recently cleaned shady area for people to possibly sit on in a few days.

I’m absolutely certain that if I didn’t follow a regular regimen of grounding and tree hugging my sorry old ass would have expired humping that very heavy Holy bench. And I’ll be damned if I sit on that bench. Literally.

But the day was not yet over.

The eternal marital conversation – who am I kidding, the directive – shifted to “what are you going to do about those stacks of wood out front?”

My “nothing” response must have been telepathic because it did not seem to register with Lisa, and for the next two hours I was dragging perfectly placed piles of large tree branches from perfectly discrete spots that no one would possibly notice unless they were looking for kindling in the middle of winter, across the expansive and sun exposed front area, and heaving them over the fence onto the driveway. There, they had to be chopped into manageable size so they could be wedged into my poor Toyota – yes the one that carried bodies in The Claire Saga –

and taken to the dump for disposal.

but not before the very upset kindling took a bite out of my arm as a forget me not.

Adding a whole new and painful interpretation to the Latin phrase “Dare to know.” Or, more colloquially, “Dare to be Wise.”

I may have raised some eyebrows while I was paying the fee to the sweet young woman at the dump entrance, with my Bronx stage whisper pondering on whether the dumping charges would have been less had I left the wood behind and taken my wife for the ride instead.

Luckily, after I dragged out all of the wood and tossed it on the ever rising mounds of vegetation – a father & son duo – the young man’s name was Damian – a fitting name for the kind of day I was having –

came to my rescue – note Damian’s topical T-shirt message from the Universe –

and using his industrial leaf blower, Damian detailed the inside of the Toyota to get out the detritus left by the branches, and hopefully any other forensic evidence that could someday be used against me.

It was like giving the car’s interior an air shower using Cosmo Kramer’s Commander 450 Polish shower head.

Anyway, the car may have looked fresh as a Daisy, but I still felt like a Lazy Susan.

And when I returned to Casa Claire, I spotted Lisa coming from my workshop out back carrying a Ryobi weed whacker. Luckily its battery was deader than Kelsey’s nuts. https://www.worldwidewords.org/qa-kel1.html

So, I slipped out to the barn and hid, knowing that she would be distracted wasting her time searching for the non-existent Ryobi battery charger in the garage. I only have Dewalt and Black and Decker chargers. And when she finally gave up on the search, she left CC because she had other shopping errands for the party. I dodged a bullet there. And so did the weeds.

Luckily, the remainder of the afternoon was quiet in her absence, and her focus upon her return remained more culinary than cursing.

Well the early morning hours have cooled things down, but the first night of the full, August, Sturgeon Moon has arrived,

guarantying just the right level of Lisa lunacy between now and Sunday’s birthday party.

Will I survive? Will the weeds? Stay tuned.

But I refuse to allow CC birthday party hysteria ruin my magical Friday, and neither should my fine, five readers.

So, finish up your cuppas and slide through your morning at the office. With all of this heat, it may be the perfect weekend to sit in a comfortable, quiet, air conditioned room and read a book or two or five.

Or, you could double up on the sunscreen and find that perfect reading chaise lounge by a pool, or at the beach, and annoy your nearest neighbors with the resulting raucous laughter and/or tremulous tears.

And let me remind all of your Amazon Prime members that you can still read The Wise Ass for free until the end of August.

So, let’s get out there and start our weekend, and no matter what else we get up to, let us make today a great one.