My first Trigger Warning to my fine, five readers. Proceed at your own risk.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Here_be_dragons
Yesterday was a day for the books.
I have an extremely regular constitution. You can set your clock by it.
Lots of coffee throughout the day keeps the clockwork running smoothly.
On rare occasion, because of dehydration where I don’t stop long enough to suck down enough water as I work in the heat around the property, things may slow down. But a few doses of coffee, helpings of probiotic yogurt, and some psyllium always puts things right. The shillelagh appears.
Envision Spot Munster’s tale from the series.
Not yesterday.
Yesterday, I had images of Capo Gigi Cestone in the Sopranos Episode, He Is Risen.
All the caffeine, yogurt and psyllium wasn’t loosening the log jam.
There were moments when I was mimicking the sounds of Satan in The Exorcist after a good splash of Holy Water. “The Kingdom of God compels you!”
Lisa, God bless her, who deals with older patients, went into nurse mode and offered me a hit of Dulcolax. Nothing.
Then a second hit. Still nothing.
Then she kicked it up to the next level and made me drink a bottle of Magnesium Citrate.
God awful taste. Still nothing. Not even a rumble.
Despite the label recommendations, and Lisa’s threats, in desperation, an hour later I guzzled another 10 oz. bottle of the clear liquid. Not a peep. But I was pissing like a racehorse. At least the prostate is healthy.
At the four hour mark, Lisa brought out the big gun. A Magnum.
Now, I have not had an enema since the Golden Gloves doctor found that I had a hernia during one of the last physicals I have ever had when I turned 17. Cough. They still let me compete if I promised to get it seen to afterwards.
Interesting side story. When I went to keep my promise, I was told that a nurse was going to come in and shave the lower half of my body the night before the operation. Of course, as a healthy teen with a very active imagination, my mind immediately went to recollections of any topical stories I may have read in the “Letters” section of Penthouse Magazine. Even then I was a reader.
I’m sure I had also read Dalton Trumbo’s Johnny Got His Gun by then, and knew I had two legs, two arms and a face up on the lead character in that book. Hope sprang eternal. Brilliant novel
Well, during that day before the operation, the nurses that came to take my vitals, etc. were very cute. I believed I had won the lottery, before there were lotteries to win (reminds me I must check my latest ticket).
Anyway, imagine my surprise when the tall, thin, RuPaul sans colorful outfits, waltzed into my room that night to dry shave my very hairy lower body and, much to my chagrin, insert an old school enema. I swear there were soapy hot water bottles, long rubber tubes and an old school baby bottle nipple involved. I can still recall the tune he was humming during the painful dry shave.
That moment replayed in my mind when Lisa informed me that she was about to reenact that particular misguided and unfulfilled fifty year old fantasy. If my impaction had not rendered any swift lower body movement impossible, I would have made a run for it. As it was I made an easy target. Bullseye!
Lisa enjoyed herself a little too much. She approached me like a Matador hiding the sword behind his cape. She didn’t even put on a sexy nurse’s outfit.
After I stopped sobbing, my stomach started sounding like the Spanky Surprise Birthday Cake – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthday_Blues
Moments later, I reenacted the scene from the first Alien movie – https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=ALien+comes+out+his+chest&mid=17B63A3B8E5ECBD99F8A17B63A3B8E5ECBD99F8A&FORM=VIRE
only my alien left through the back door.
Hallelujah!
After some serious recovery, I gently returned to my comfy leather chair in the basement, where a very worried Claire – she had heard me shouting over the radio all the way down in her new barn – spent the afternoon watching over me. I could hear Lisa laughing as she shared my ignominy with the rest of the family upstairs. Even the grans were howling.
But, as Will says, all’s well that ends well.
Well, it’s Saturday. Claire and Honey have a farrier appointment. Luckily I can now move fast enough for the pregame ringolevio.
But first some kitties to cuddle and rounds to make. And I need to drop Lisa for a per diem shift at her old job. Jesus, I will be able to hear her friends laughing from Casa Claire.
At least the sluice is clear and working.
So, my fine five readers, drink plenty of water.
And no matter what else we all get up to, let us make today a great one.
6 Responses
Remind me to tell you about the 3.5 pounder I launched after 9 days at Good Sam last year. The nurses took photos to commemorate it, and the next shift knew about my feat before they hit my room. I named it after the a**hole Social worker who screwed up my paperwork – deliberately. She is immortalized in the Fecal Hall of Shame.💩🤢💯
A bottle of Calcium Nitrate and lots of water is usually what they use around here before a colonoscopy. No more Miralax. Good blog today. Made me laugh out loud.
Chemo makes for some epic constipation! Most laxatives won’t work against the drugs but Miralax does! As my oncologist said to me, “the blessed event is a mere 24 hours away. But please don’t call the office with the gender reveal. We’ll take your word for it!”
Tommy was a bit backed up
His little ring just stayed all shut
His RN wife tried to get it loose
But little Tom couldn’t drop that deuce
She finally him from the rear
And entered his rectum with lube and spear
As the liquid gurgled from behind
This poor old man hoped to break that bind
As the treatment’s results began to show
She became a cheerleader
And said go go go
The end result lost several pounds
And a missing key was even found
He’s so glad his wife is smart and cool
And he finally gets to tend the mules
For anyone who wonders, this is the same Joe Serrano that is a b ad guy in KMAG and is Jimmy’s childhood friend, and roomate at Aunt Violet’s Flop House, Joe Marrero, in FJM. Epic, Joe. Thanks.
I’m dying laughing ! I don’t know what’s more funny… the way you describe it or the fact that you would share it on your blog! LOL!😂
And Gos bless your wife! She’s awesome
Glad you’re feeling better