Reverend Thomas – Never Saw That Coming

Eleven years ago my nephew, Brian Evans, who I consider my fourth child, asked me to officiate his gay wedding. Brian is my daughter Jackie’s psychic twin and spent a lot of time living and hanging out in the McCaffrey family home on Mosholu Avenue in the Bronx. He actually lived with us for a few years – took one of the bedrooms in the attic dorm, and finished his schooling while he stayed with us. After mesmerizing the Westchester hospitals as an amazing nurse (graduated from Lisa, Luke and my alma mater, Lehman College), he is now finishing up his advanced degree in Anesthesiology in the University of Buffalo. We love Brian. We are very proud of him. Brian is funny a fuck and quite brilliant.

Well anyway, during the Labor Day weekend family barbeque, Brian pulls me aside and asked if I would officiate his wedding. “Sure.” I said. “Only I’m not a minister.”

Fifteen minutes later, with a few strokes of Brian’s lap-top keyboard, I was a Minister.

I had to go to downtown Manhattan and sign some huge Harry Potter sized book to register my ordination. I was required to choose “Reverend” or “Minister.” I went with Minister because I knew once I started calling myself Reverend Tom, I would never stop.

A couple of months later, I officiated my first wedding. A gay wedding. A rooftop wedding in Brooklyn. A major success.

A few years after that, I performed my sister’s lesbian wedding. Another wonderful event.

I almost officiated my first heterosexual wedding a few years back – for my son, Mark (who, like Jackie, was not confirmed and couldn’t get married in a Catholic service, mea culpa), and his now wife, Sara (Blue Bloods), but the COVID pandemic prevented me from traveling to NY. Luckily, my dear friend, George Silver (yes, the Judge from TWA), was a NYS Supreme Court Justice, and performed the ceremony via iPhone (didn’t know that was a thing until the day of the wedding). Thanks George.

At another barbeque back at the Mosholu Family Home, the family Merlin, Ferd Beck, a polymath who also has deep ties to Mother Church, mentioned that by those actions, I committed the mortal sin of Apostacy, and rendered myself automatically excommunicated. Who knew.

My poor mother.

I’m sure my father’s cousin, the real Father Tom McCaffrey, is swearing out a heavenly warrant in my name.

Anyway, my ordination has now outlasted Brian’s marriage. Sorry guys. Although my sister and her wonderful spouse remain blissfully bound by my bit of magic, so I’m batting 500.

And I am determined to officiate a heterosexual wedding to round out my practice.

Weddings are fun. People are happy. Love abounds.

I’ve traded my soul for far less worthy endeavors.

Luckily I keep Daniel Webster on speed dial. I also have the very Catholic Pete “Buck” Sheridan as back up. He seems invested in saving my eternal soul. Given that Buck is BIC and a brilliant Harvard trained lawyer, I’m in good hands.

Well, today is Sunday (fitting for my 11th Anniversary as a Reverend/Minister).

Bu no rest for the wicked. I got most of my weekly food prep done yesterday morning but then I had to stop and get my face groomed by my wonderful barber Anna. I’m telling you, it is a transcendent experience. Then I had to go and put together my Finding Mark Wahlberg videos, including locating a store within driving distance that sold his Flecha Azul Tequila, and then shooting the videos (which can be found on my FB page -https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100091444194790). You should check them out, Claire dances to Marky-Mark’s “Vibrations” rap song. Claire even nails the fist bumps.

So, given those worthy distractions, I still have to chop the 8 bags (40 pounds) of carrots to finish the prep. Then I need to shovel some shit. Oh well, as I mentioned, no rest for this apostate.

I really hope you fine, five readers are enjoying this last weekend of the unofficial end of summer.

I hope today is filled with beaches, pools and lakes and lots of barbeques. And families and friends. Take a moment to close your eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on your skin. Let it sink in. It will carry you through the winter.

And if you get a few moments to yourself, read a book, any book.

I’ve got to go cuddle a kitty, and then make my rounds to make sure the creatures in the area are healthy and happy.

But whatever plans we have for today, let’s make it a great one.