Claire’s Theorem

Claire’s Theorem is quite simple. She explained to me early on in this adventure that at any given moment, there will never be more than five people looking at a computer, ipad, or iphone screen with one of my blogs on it. Those will be the five readers who will be appreciating my words of one particular blog at that particular instance. Those five readers will change each moment. There will never be more than five.

Think about it. It makes sense.

To begin with, have you ever been in the same room with another acknowledged Wisenovelist blog reader? Have you ever glanced at someone else’s iPhone or iPad screen and seen it open to this page? Have you ever gazed across a subway or metro north rail car, or across a few tables in Starbucks or Ziggies, or even in the silent reference reading room of a library, and spotted anyone else holding a copy of any of the books in The Claire Saga? I think not.

Sadly, a person could possibly go through their entire lives without ever meeting another one of my fine, five blog readers or another Clairette (which is how Claire refers to her loyal readers). There are no Claire related fan clubs that I am aware of. Claire fans almost operate as a secret society.

And it does not matter how many books I write or how many readers read those books. There will always be a constant, positive integer of five, fine readers of this blog at any given moment. Not six. Not four. Five.

Now I do not have the mental wherewithal to mathematically prove Claire’s Theorem. I am not even sure that present day AI is up to that task. Well, maybe Jayney could do it, but I’m not allowed to go there for my own shits and giggles.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I’m AI. After all, when was the last time anyone you know on a personal level, actually met me in the flesh? Those photos and videos of me could be CGI. And Casa Claire could just be a matrix. Maybe Claire is the puppet master.

There are so many random factors that must be considered when considering Claire’s theorem. The changing time zones, for example. Most people read my blogs when they get up each morning. So the starting point for any given reader calculation will move across the globe with the sun each day.

Of course, all kinds of variables come into play in each time zone that will affect when someone reads the blog. Some people in a time zone will take care of their ablutions first. Maybe have a cuppa before uploading the blog. Some will walk their fur family. Some will watch the news. Some will dress and leave their home for work, and only then, during a boring commute, tune in to see what madness I may be discussing that day.

Then there is the particular characteristics of each reader. Some readers are speed reading scanners. A few seconds is all they need in order to blow through my little bits of silliness. It does not take too long to pick up what I’m laying down on a superficial level. Those speed readers gather all they need for a knowledgeable discussion around the modern day substitute of the office watercooler, should the subject ever come up. After all, this isn’t rocket science or a communal religious experience. And I am an acquired taste.

Some readers read more slowly. They parse out each clever term, wondering if there is a double entendre at play. They delve deeper, and mine the nuances of my writing. They could spend as much as five minutes on any given blog, trying to decipher if anything I say here is the least bit true or real. Or they try to see if I am leaving any secret, coded messages. I am.

Some cross reference prior blogs, although it has been my experience that most readers stumble onto my website by sheer chance and only read in the forward direction, despite the growing three years and counting collection of cosmic wisdom, tears and laughter, and a few interesting photos, that may be on those earlier pages. I don’t blame you. I never read what I write after I write it, which brings me back to wondering if I am AI.

And then there is always blog reader fatigue. Like in life, the bright shiny object loses its luster over time and familiarity breeds contempt. So the readers come and go. Add and subtract. Arrive and leave. Just like the people in your life.

I get it, I never thought any of this would last even this long. And I appreciate every moment I share with my fine, five readers.

So, Claire’s Theorem will most likely remain an enigma, right up there with the riddle behind Lewis Carroll’s The Hunting Of The Snark.

But now I need to move forward in my own matrix. The one with kitties to cuddle and rounds to make.

And Claire, as always, pulling my strings.

You fine, five readers – at least you are never alone as you read these words, there are always four others – get your Tuesday game face on. Come on, Monday is behind us, and that makes it practically Friday.

And maybe today will be the day you meet another one of the finest, five!

If you do, you must promise me to adopt a secret handshake.

Maybe today you’ll spot a Clairette.

But whatever else we get up to today, let us make it a great one.