This is Ivy the Cat. She is a familiar of one of my friends here in the on-line universe named Adrienne Stuki. It seems that Ivy is a recent animal convert to the FJM eyes club. And there’s the rub.
When I wrote The Claire Trilogy I didn’t realize it would be so successful. And while it is a true story – wait, my lawyers just told me I have to say it is fiction – so, while it is a totally fictitious story – it seems to evoke extreme emotional responses from its readers. Tears and laughter abound. Just read the reviews.
But now the animals are getting in on the act.
Claire has told me that she is constantly getting psychically transmitted reviews from animals all over the world who have mentally eavesdropped on their unsuspecting human counterparts while they are reading my books. Animals always psychically tap into their humans as soon as they start becoming emotional over something. Each of these fur fans have drawn immense pleasure from TCT story and characters. Especially from Claire’s story.
They have all been asking my mule-muse when they can come to Casa Claire for a visit and join in on the fun.
Indeed, they have taken to swiping their humans’ credit cards and ordering their own Kindle and Audible copies of the books. And that explains the recent uptick in sales.
That success places a lot of pressure on me when it comes to my next book. I’m used to disappointing humans, especially my mom, but I have never let an animal down in my life.
And I’m not about to now.
The truth is, there is not enough animals in my next book. I made the mistake of focusing the story on charismatic humans, hybrid-aliens, some ghosts and a goddess.
I mean, of course Claire’s in it. But she dictated the story, so that was bound to happen.
Spaghetti’s dog, Pepper, makes an appearance as well. And there are a few ponies. But nothing like TCT.
This may cause an animal rebellion.
The problem is that so far the humans that have read the author’s copies of FJM in circulation have loved it. Now their animals are getting wind of it.
That is why I have no choice but to call for Finding Jimmy Moran to be banned world-wide.
You see, I’m contractually bound to release it on April 13, 2023. That contract is iron clad, and the book is ready to drop. By the end of that week, every animal in the world will have sponged it from the mind of some local human. And those animals are not going to be happy. Claire is bound to take a lot of psychic heat from the animal kingdom. And that cannot bode well for me.
So, my only chance at avoiding a complete disaster is if Finding Jimmy Moran is banned, so no human can actually read it.
Now, being a lawyer, I’ve done a little research,
and it seems that there is sufficient precedent to call for FJM to be banned.
For example, the fact that this could be considered fantasy, allows me to cite to the Harry Potter series, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and The Golden Compass as banning precedent. Magic is magic.
FJM’s science fiction story-line concerning hybrid aliens should land it in with others in that genre that have been banned, like Brave New World, Slaughterhouse Five and even The Hunger Games as a legitimate reason for pulling it off the virtual shelves.
And given that most of FJM is a coming of age story of a young Irish-American set in the Bronx during the 60s and 70s, I can guaranty enough offensive language, sex, drinking, criminal activity and even some violence in it to have it banned under comparable precedents like Catcher In The Rye, Of Mice and Men and Ulysses.
I honestly believe that Finding Jimmy Moran should suffer the same fate as these devious books.
So, I’m calling upon you, my fine, five readers to be proactive and go into all of your local bookstores and libraries and preemptively demand that they ban Finding Jimmy Moran. Indeed, pull a copy of the book up on your iPhones and show their proprietors exactly which book you are talking about. Remind them that the book’s release is just a few months away, that it is up for pre-order on most major literary platforms, and if there is any hope of stopping its world-wide spread, it has to be done now.
Otherwise, secret stashes of FJM will start showing up in the backpacks of young hipsters who will be defying society by holding raves where poets will be competing with each other to repeat the most offensive lines from the book to the cheers of the rebellious youth, who will probably want to reenact some of the more enticing taboo scenes. It’s bound to happen.
And then word of the failure of the book to properly focus enough on the animals will start to psychically spread from the minds of the superintelligent rats, that will certainly be tuning in at these raves, to every level of the animal kingdom heirachy:
Thank you Heirarchy.com for creating this wonderful flow chart. I know its appearance here does not represent an endorsement of my madness, but satisfies purely educational puposes. Well done you.
Yes, my dear readers, every creature in that kingdom is psychically connected.
If you don’t believe me, just read The Claire Trilogy.
And once it spreads among the animal kingdom. . . I shudder to think of the consequences.
There will be shit everywhere.
Well, now that I have issued my call to arms, I can return my attention to the more mundane aspects of my life.
A kitty cuddle, my rounds and some treadmill torture.
But you fine, five readers need to help me here.
You need to get the word out on the subversive dangers presented by my next novel.
And while you are at it, have a great day.