Anna The Barber

One of my regular experiences of decadence during my life in NoCo is going to Anna the Barber in Berthoud each month.

I know, what use would a bald man have with a Barber?

Anna is so much more than a Barber.

Like all talented Barbers, Anna also functions as a therapist.

And while I’ve never asked, Anna may also be a bruja, because there is magic in the room. You can smell the essential oil mixtures – and just a touch of witch hazel – she prepares herself.

The moment you sit in her old school barber chair, in the middle of a large, open room, it is like lying down on a psychiatrist’s couch. And later, during the beard trimming part of the experience, you are actually lying supine, with a warm towel across your covered eyes.

Her voice and touch are calming. So she also may be a Dude Whisperer.

There is usually old school rock playing softly in the background.

Before I discovered Anna, I used to trim my beard and buzz my scalp with my own electric buzzer. Indeed, I would regularly go through each new model in about a month. Despite my efforts at caring for and cleaning them, they would always seize up and die on me. Didn’t matter how much I spent on them, Bronx hair and beard are just too much to handle for most machinery.

Now I have found one buzzer that actually does hold up, it is made completely of brass and other metals, and was very expensive, but it was actually originally purchased to shear Jeter’s sheep like fur, since he was never a fan of dog groomers, so I only use it in those emergencies where something comes up that requires I don’t look like a homeless person and Anna has no emergency openings to whip me into shape.

Anna is an appointment only Barber. So when you are in the chair, you are usually the only person in the room. Anna shares the building with a couple of women hair stylists, both very friendly, who have their own separate suites, so you will occasionally see or feel others passing through, or using the shampoo stations at the far end of the space. But that is a rare and brief occurrence.

Now, when I perform my own facial and head grooming, it takes maybe 10 minutes at most, if I’m being extra careful.

With Anna, I am in the chair for no less than an hour, often much longer.

Anna’s attention to detail is slow and deliberate. Her touch is soft, almost ethereal.

The process begins with Anna’s microfiber buzzer that rotates across and around my scalp in small circles removing all bits of hair and stubble that may still grow on my bald pate. She checks her work with her soft fingers over an area until she feels that it is as smooth as a baby’s bottom. Then there is the essential oil message where my head transforms into a Mummenschanz mask. Anna always tells me my scalp is dry.

The soft, buzzing sound reminds me of the bees on Casa Claire and is as therapeutic as a Buddhist sound bowl, and her voice is so disarming, it has the timbre of a hypnotist or anesthesiologist telling you to count backwards from 100 as you realize you are going under by 97. There have been some encounters when I definitely succumb completely and awaken when it is all over.

And the whole time she converses about life. Hers, yours, the rest of humanity.

From the very beginning, we’ve talked about my books. Anna is an avid reader. In fact, she has read all of my books, including the publisher’s transcript for Where The Ley Lines Meet. She has very interesting insights.

She now owns her own inscribed set of The Claire Saga.

Anna knows all of the back stories to the novels and their characters. She is also a loyal follower of these blogs – Hi Anna. Of course she is sworn to secrecy by the Barber-Patient Oath, but she does have my permission to share much of what she may know for entertainment purposes with her friends, family and other clients. Word of mouth sells books.

Once the head is complete, Anna breaks out the hot towels before more essential oils and hot shaving cream is applied and the straight edge blade wielded by a confident hand clears away the last of stubborn resistance on the back of my skull and neck.

Then the chair reclines like Voltron and you find yourself lying on what now feels like a gurney, facing the bright ceiling light that almost looks extraterrestrial, but it’s only for a moment before another set of warm towels cover your eyes. I’m not sure exactly what happens at this point, because I often astral project somewhere else, like in a dream that I do not want to awaken from. But I do sense Anna moving around me, like a disembodied spirit, carefully buzzing my beard and mustache, shaving my neck and even trimming my feral eyebrows.

And there is always the essential oil massage of all the newly cleared skin.

All too soon you hear Anna’s voice again, waking you, and telling you she is about to remove the eye covering. She gently suggests that you sit up slowly as you return to earth and the here and now while Voltron magically returns to his Barber chair form.

I always gaze around me with a surprised look on my face for a moment while I get my bearings. I pay Anna before I sit in the chair because I want to make sure she is compensated, just in case I don’t return from whatever astral plain I may be transported to during the experience. Then I stumble in a fog out of the shop and back to my car. Always with the same shit-eating grin on my face.

Anna always texts me later to make sure I got home safely and apprise me of my next scheduled appointment.

The ethereal hangover lasts a few hours.

I cannot wait.

But before then I need to cuddle a couple of kitties and make my rounds.

Then later, once my head clears, I have my weekend outdoor chores at Casa Claire.

Claire always compliments me on how nice my face looks when she first sees me post Anna. She likes to come up close and sniff the essential oils on my beard. It always brings a smile to her face. Mine too.

Well, you fine, five readers have your Saturday errands to attend to.

I hope they are not too extensive and that you find some time to pamper yourself.

A few hours reading The Claire Saga may be transformative.

Where The Ley Lines Meet drops in just over a month. You want to be ready.

But no matter what we do, let us make today a great one.

One final mention. Yesterday, I learned that Maya – the chihuahuan collie cosmic consort to my extra terrestrial friends, Michelle and Everett – has joined Mr. Rogers, Jeter, Phoebe, Maeve and Lucky – on the other side of the veil. I’m sure they were all there to greet her at the end of the rainbow bridge. I know M&E are heart broken. Lisa and my prayers are with our dear friends. We’ll see them all again on the next energy plain.